It's Working

235.8lbs today.
There's so much talk about how weight is only a number and one should celebrate non-scale victories. But, how can I not celebrate this?

It's overwhelming to think about how far I have left to go (ideally 60lbs - oy!) but I feel really great about how far I've come. I'm down 14lbs! I have been faithfully doing Whole30 for 20 days now. I feel good. My body feels clean and I really am enjoying what I'm eating.

Now, if I could just get myself to exercise... The thing is- it's too cold outside. And, at the end of the day I'm tired. And, I can't wake up early to do it. And, there are a million excuses! But, excuses never get you anywhere. So, I just have to do it. Just do it. So easily said, so hard to do.

Daily yoga has kind of been a bust these past weeks. One pose per night and that's it. This was not the intent. Sundays are a great day for a new beginning. Time to begin again and begin right.

Feel Good

Huzzah!!
Okay, it seem strange to celebrate the fact that I still weigh 239 lbs. But, guess what. I weight 239 lbs. And you know what that means? I dropped 10 lbs this week. TEN! Hah!
It's frightening to think of how much bloat and water weight that must have been. Just think about how much we needlessly carry around with us on a day to day basis. Whether it be water weight, stress, whatever, I think we can all afford to just LET IT GO. (I know you're singing right now.)

 I had a realization this week that I've slipped into a lazy routine as far as how I present myself to the world. It's a chicken-and-the-egg kind of situation here and I'm not sure which is the cause or effect but I've not been taking the time to look well put together. I've not been putting much effort into my dress, my makeup, my hair. I don't know if it's because I don't feel good about myself, or if I don't feel good about myself because I haven't been putting in the effort. I can do better.

Sometimes we mistake physical appearance for vanity. It is not vain to present yourself well. It is, as Coco Chanel said, politeness. A wonderful thing happens when we look good: we feel good. And when we feel good we are then capable of doing good which in turn makes us good.

So, though I may not be there yet, I'm on my way. I'm closer than I was yesterday. And, I'll look good on the rest of the journey.

Whole30 update: Eating more simply has been life changing. My previous rounds of Whole30 I felt so overwhelming. So much time went in to planning, preparing, cleaning. It was consuming. Simplifying my menu has vastly cut down my preparation and clean-up time. And I feel equally, if not more, content with what I'm eating. Yum! Now I feel much more confident that I can sustain this way of eating for the long haul.

Withdrawals

Whole30 day 2 = mOnStEr HeAdAcHe!

This is my third round of Whole30 and I've never had a headache before. Today just proves that I've been seriously overdosing on the sugar these past few months. Yikes!

It feels good to be eating real food again. I'm trying to be wise this time around and simplify my meals so as not to become too overwhelmed with the time commitment required for eating well. I'll be honest though... I was disappointed to find out that all my clothes don't fit yet. I mean, come on! It's been two days already!

Daily Yoga: I did a 15 minute core strength yoga workout and I nearly died. I have no strength. None. But, 5 days into the year and 5 days of yoga done.

The Harsh Reality

I just weighed myself. Ohmigosh. NO! It's horrible. It's awful!

249 lbs

Let that sink in. I weigh 249 pounds. 

I knew I wasn't going to like what I saw on the scale. I mean, it's pretty obvious that I've gained weight since I feel ginormous and none of my pants fit. But, man. 250.

Never. Again.

I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up about this. I'm trying so hard to be kind to myself. But it's really hard knowing that that number is a direct result of the decisions I've made and the actions (or inactions) that I've taken. The idea of losing that weight feels so daunting. Even though my body is craving a change I feel overwhelmed looking at the path ahead.

I can do this. I CAN DO THIS! (repeat this all day long)

Daily Yoga: "15 Minute Yoga to Wake Up" from Yoga by Candace (youtube). It was ok. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The truth about New Years is that I really do feel different. Classically it is known as a time of renewal and I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity to begin afresh. I feel excited for changes and opportunities. I feel excited to become a better version of myself.

As I begin on the path of amelioration I do so with no judgement. While it is true that I don't feel good, I can't fit into my jeans, and I can't make it up the stairs without becoming out of breathe, I refuse to beat myself up for the poor choices I made in 2015. I am where am meant to be. I am ready for change and I am looking forward with hope and faith.

Daily Yoga: I have committed to 366 (it's Leap Year, right?) days of yoga in 2016. Today I chose to perform 9 sun salutations. It is traditional in yoga to perform 108 sun salutations on New Year's Day to welcome in the new year. Sorry folks. I'm not ready for that. So keeping in tradition with other sacred Sanskrit numbers (or whatever) I went with the smallest denomination. Nine. I can do nine.

What Should Be Motivation

I only fit in one pair of my pants.
Yet, today I ate cookie dough and a half sleeve of Oreos.

Inhale the future. Exhale the past.

I question whether I dare to dream this new dream when I'm fresh off of failure. I don't know what the key to success is in this journey to health but I know I will never give up trying to find it. There are days I try to convince myself that I don't want the body I hope for but those days never linger long. I know what I want. I just haven't yet found the right vehicle to get there.

Well, maybe I have. I will go back to what speaks to my soul. I will set my intention and offer my sun salutation and listen to my heart. I will allow myself to grow slowly. I will seek not the outward change but the inward. I will dream whilst keeping rooted in reality. I will practice. I will become. I will dare to dream.

My commitment:

• For the remainder of 2015 I will return to my yoga practice. I will practice several times a week and seek strength, balance, and energy.

• The year 2016 will be 366 days of yoga. Every. Damn. Day.

• In July of 2017 I will become Yoga Alliance certified by completing a 200 hour yoga teacher training.

I have failed in the past to become who I want to be. But, my past does not define me. Why am I here on Earth if not to change, to overcome, to become better each day. I was once told that if my dreams don't scare me, they aren't big enough. Well, I'm scared. And I'm excited! And I want this! I have a long ways to go. I have work to do. I have two years to prepare to become ytt certified. Two years. Though I don't want to focus on the numbers I have a goal to be at 175lbs by then. That feels scary. Yes. My dreams are big enough. And I'm ready to exhale the past and inhale in the future.