Some days

Some days are just harder than others. Some days I just don't want to work out. At all. But, I do it anyway. Why? Because I don't want to look back and know that I didn't. The workout is still hard. But it gets done. And, well... there's something great about that.

"But this one was harder."

At school this week, one of my 6th graders Jaden asked me to put his logic test on the achievement board. I couldn't understand why he would want me to put up this test since  he already had a math test up there with a much higher score.  When I told him he already had a great test on the board he just looked at me and, in his young wisdom, said, "But, this one was harder."

Life Lesson.

It was something I needed to relearn. We are more satisfied when we overcome difficult obstacles than when we succeed at easy things. I think I already knew that, but Jaden's reminder fueled me today as I wanted to quit after every segment of my workout. It was hard. I told myself over and over that I could do it because a part of me wasn't sure if I could. Well, I finished. And then I collapsed.

This week I did all 5 Fit Blast workouts. Woot! It feels so good to accomplish that goal I set for myself last Sunday. I was far from perfect with my nutrition this week but checking the workout box everyday and doing all 5 Fit Blasts feels amazing.

Every single day this week was a battle against that inner voice telling me I wasn't good enough. It seems like every other person in the Fit Blast FB group is killing it at a level 2 and 3 and little old me was struggling through level 1. It was really hard to not compare myself to them. But, the thing I have to realize is that I'm just at the beginning. I worked out more this week than I have in the past few years combined. That's a big deal! It feels so good.

Sometimes I'm angry that all my pants don't fit after just a few weeks of exercise (hah!) but I know this is a long journey. Each day I move toward my goal even though my progress is slow. I'm more proud of this progress than accomplishing all the easy things I do in my life. Give me this mountain!

October Fit Blast!

I've been feeling a little lost on this 30daysofexercise thing. Walking is always good. Jogging, sure. 7min HIIT, sometimes. Yoga, alright. But I've been feeling the need to get my heart rate up and my muscles a-pumping. Aside from jogging I didn't even know how to start (which is weird because it's not like I've never exercised before).

Enter JillK Fitness! I stumbled upon her via Instagram and was intrigued with her semi-monthly Fit Blasts. October just started! Looked good to me! I pulled the trigger last night and paid the measly $20 (what a deal!) for 4 weeks of workouts and loads more information, support, encouragement, etc.

Here are the results of my measurements and Fit Test because, well... I want to be depressed tonight. I kid, I kid. It's so important to know where you are, where you want to go, and especially, how far you've come. This is just the beginning after all.

Fit Test:

Three Minute Step Test: 123bpm (below average! Woot!)

Push-up Test: 9 (And, oh boy, did I work for those 9! Yeow!)

Plank Test: 54 seconds (shaking, shaking, shaking...)

Just for funzies! (I cringe!)

Measurements:

Neck: 14-1/8"

Chest: 38"

Arm: 14-3/4"

Waist: 41"

Bellybutton: 41"

Hips: 48"

Thigh: 29-1/4"

Weight: 234.0 lbs

Can you? Will you?

Weaving my way through the crowds of Disneyland, I found myself dodging more power chairs than I could imagine. It may be a harsh judgement directed towards people whose struggles I know nothing about, but it seems to me that too many people are unable to walk due to a lifetime of poor health choices. Oh, may that never be me!

I am so grateful for this body of mine. It's far from perfect but, throughout my life, I've enjoyed close to perfect health and the ability to do so many wonderful things that required physical endurance. Sadly, I ain't gettin' any younger! I hate the thought that I may be restricted by my body. So, I will fight with everything in me to remain strong, nay, to become stronger, so that I can travel, play, work, and do anything I choose.

This past month I kind of did a Whole30 (with weekends off). It was great. I dropped a few more pounds. I felt cleaner. But I also came to realize that no amount of healthy eating is going to prevent me from feeling winded by walking up the stairs.

So, with that in mind, I decided to make a different kind of change. Today starts my "Whole30" of exercise. 30 days of at least 20 minutes of exercise. The goal is to strengthen my lungs, my muscles, and my mind. I've been telling myself for months that I'm going to start exercising but it's not so easy. In fact, the hardest part of exercising is just getting out the door, onto the floor, or whatever it may be. Just beginning can prove too much. 

But, there is no time for excuses. I have a strong body. I want to be stronger. I want to feel able to do everything I want to do. I want to climb the mountain. I know I can climb the mountain. It's now up to me to take the first step.

Today's workout: C25K day one. I jiggled. I hurt. I felt stronger. I finished feeling empowered.

It's Working

235.8lbs today.
There's so much talk about how weight is only a number and one should celebrate non-scale victories. But, how can I not celebrate this?

It's overwhelming to think about how far I have left to go (ideally 60lbs - oy!) but I feel really great about how far I've come. I'm down 14lbs! I have been faithfully doing Whole30 for 20 days now. I feel good. My body feels clean and I really am enjoying what I'm eating.

Now, if I could just get myself to exercise... The thing is- it's too cold outside. And, at the end of the day I'm tired. And, I can't wake up early to do it. And, there are a million excuses! But, excuses never get you anywhere. So, I just have to do it. Just do it. So easily said, so hard to do.

Daily yoga has kind of been a bust these past weeks. One pose per night and that's it. This was not the intent. Sundays are a great day for a new beginning. Time to begin again and begin right.

Feel Good

Huzzah!!
Okay, it seem strange to celebrate the fact that I still weigh 239 lbs. But, guess what. I weight 239 lbs. And you know what that means? I dropped 10 lbs this week. TEN! Hah!
It's frightening to think of how much bloat and water weight that must have been. Just think about how much we needlessly carry around with us on a day to day basis. Whether it be water weight, stress, whatever, I think we can all afford to just LET IT GO. (I know you're singing right now.)

 I had a realization this week that I've slipped into a lazy routine as far as how I present myself to the world. It's a chicken-and-the-egg kind of situation here and I'm not sure which is the cause or effect but I've not been taking the time to look well put together. I've not been putting much effort into my dress, my makeup, my hair. I don't know if it's because I don't feel good about myself, or if I don't feel good about myself because I haven't been putting in the effort. I can do better.

Sometimes we mistake physical appearance for vanity. It is not vain to present yourself well. It is, as Coco Chanel said, politeness. A wonderful thing happens when we look good: we feel good. And when we feel good we are then capable of doing good which in turn makes us good.

So, though I may not be there yet, I'm on my way. I'm closer than I was yesterday. And, I'll look good on the rest of the journey.

Whole30 update: Eating more simply has been life changing. My previous rounds of Whole30 I felt so overwhelming. So much time went in to planning, preparing, cleaning. It was consuming. Simplifying my menu has vastly cut down my preparation and clean-up time. And I feel equally, if not more, content with what I'm eating. Yum! Now I feel much more confident that I can sustain this way of eating for the long haul.

Withdrawals

Whole30 day 2 = mOnStEr HeAdAcHe!

This is my third round of Whole30 and I've never had a headache before. Today just proves that I've been seriously overdosing on the sugar these past few months. Yikes!

It feels good to be eating real food again. I'm trying to be wise this time around and simplify my meals so as not to become too overwhelmed with the time commitment required for eating well. I'll be honest though... I was disappointed to find out that all my clothes don't fit yet. I mean, come on! It's been two days already!

Daily Yoga: I did a 15 minute core strength yoga workout and I nearly died. I have no strength. None. But, 5 days into the year and 5 days of yoga done.

The Harsh Reality

I just weighed myself. Ohmigosh. NO! It's horrible. It's awful!

249 lbs

Let that sink in. I weigh 249 pounds. 

I knew I wasn't going to like what I saw on the scale. I mean, it's pretty obvious that I've gained weight since I feel ginormous and none of my pants fit. But, man. 250.

Never. Again.

I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up about this. I'm trying so hard to be kind to myself. But it's really hard knowing that that number is a direct result of the decisions I've made and the actions (or inactions) that I've taken. The idea of losing that weight feels so daunting. Even though my body is craving a change I feel overwhelmed looking at the path ahead.

I can do this. I CAN DO THIS! (repeat this all day long)

Daily Yoga: "15 Minute Yoga to Wake Up" from Yoga by Candace (youtube). It was ok. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The truth about New Years is that I really do feel different. Classically it is known as a time of renewal and I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity to begin afresh. I feel excited for changes and opportunities. I feel excited to become a better version of myself.

As I begin on the path of amelioration I do so with no judgement. While it is true that I don't feel good, I can't fit into my jeans, and I can't make it up the stairs without becoming out of breathe, I refuse to beat myself up for the poor choices I made in 2015. I am where am meant to be. I am ready for change and I am looking forward with hope and faith.

Daily Yoga: I have committed to 366 (it's Leap Year, right?) days of yoga in 2016. Today I chose to perform 9 sun salutations. It is traditional in yoga to perform 108 sun salutations on New Year's Day to welcome in the new year. Sorry folks. I'm not ready for that. So keeping in tradition with other sacred Sanskrit numbers (or whatever) I went with the smallest denomination. Nine. I can do nine.

What Should Be Motivation

I only fit in one pair of my pants.
Yet, today I ate cookie dough and a half sleeve of Oreos.

Inhale the future. Exhale the past.

I question whether I dare to dream this new dream when I'm fresh off of failure. I don't know what the key to success is in this journey to health but I know I will never give up trying to find it. There are days I try to convince myself that I don't want the body I hope for but those days never linger long. I know what I want. I just haven't yet found the right vehicle to get there.

Well, maybe I have. I will go back to what speaks to my soul. I will set my intention and offer my sun salutation and listen to my heart. I will allow myself to grow slowly. I will seek not the outward change but the inward. I will dream whilst keeping rooted in reality. I will practice. I will become. I will dare to dream.

My commitment:

• For the remainder of 2015 I will return to my yoga practice. I will practice several times a week and seek strength, balance, and energy.

• The year 2016 will be 366 days of yoga. Every. Damn. Day.

• In July of 2017 I will become Yoga Alliance certified by completing a 200 hour yoga teacher training.

I have failed in the past to become who I want to be. But, my past does not define me. Why am I here on Earth if not to change, to overcome, to become better each day. I was once told that if my dreams don't scare me, they aren't big enough. Well, I'm scared. And I'm excited! And I want this! I have a long ways to go. I have work to do. I have two years to prepare to become ytt certified. Two years. Though I don't want to focus on the numbers I have a goal to be at 175lbs by then. That feels scary. Yes. My dreams are big enough. And I'm ready to exhale the past and inhale in the future.

Week 3 Roundup

Week 3 weight loss - 1.8 lbs

The newness has worn off. Like most New Year resolution makers, as we come to the end of January, I feel the drive to accomplish my goal waning. It is no longer new and exciting. Now is the test: Will I embrace new habits or fall into old ones? The battle is real.

I am nearing the end of Whole30. Just 5 days to go. At this point in the game most people say their craving for sugar is completely gone and they feel great, etc, etc. Well, I feel great. That is for sure. I feel healthy. I've eaten delicious food over the past 25 days. I truly love the program. But the only thing that has been on my mind for the past week is the sugar/junk food binge I'm planning for February 6th. All I can think about is where I want to eat and what I want to eat, food that has been restricted for the past 3 weeks. I know it is a bad plan (going on a junk food bender after a month long cleanse) but, I also know that I refuse to live a life in which I can't experience the joy of food. I love food! The plan: eat as much crap as I can on Friday and Saturday; Return to program Sunday. I won't jump into another Whole30 immediately but I will live a mostly-Paleo lifestyle with a free meal here and there. As I've said many times before, meal planning is the key.

The struggle this week came in the form of not wanting to and not making time to complete my workouts. I only got two in this week. I had the time. I just didn't have the commitment. The workouts have gotten stale as they are mostly repetitive since day 1. This week's workouts were definitely a challenge. The length has increased so planning more workout time into my schedule is necessary. Laziness was my only excuse this week.

Lately the call to return to running has been loud! Now that I am feeling a bit stronger and a bit more fit I feel a bit more ready to pound the pavement. I hate running but I love the runner's high that comes every time I finish a run. I need that feeling. I also love how my body responds to running. Several years ago when I was dedicated to the sport I slimmed down to 203lbs. I loved participating in races and being a part of the runner's culture. I miss that. My only concern with running is my knee. My old ACL is aggravated. I don't know if I've retorn it or what but it is causing me a lot of pain, strangely, only when I'm lying down in bed or sitting in the car. I'm wondering if it is inflammation. I will incorporate my old PT exercises into my workout to strengthen it and maybe take up running again at the beginning of March.

Overall, I am starting to feel the difference. I can't see it just yet but my core feels stronger. I feel my muscles there working and my waist slimming. My clothes fit better. I was able to comfortably wear a pair of pants to work on Friday that I haven't been able to wear in a few years. I have a pair of jeans in my closet that is my goal. I can't even get them up over my hips at the moment. Every week or so I try them on to see if there is a difference. I cannot wait for the day they slide on easily!

My other motivation at the moment is the impending 25 year reunion for the MVHS class of 1995. Holy. Cow. How did this happen? How did 25 years of my life flash by? All I know is I will be one of the few non-marrieds. It will be awkward and uncomfortable and I will probably hate being there for most of the time. But I will look good, dangit! I will work my butt off so I can walk in there
confidently!

Week 2 Roundup

Week 2 weight loss - 0.4 lbs

I felt so strong in my workouts this week.  I was nervous about my hour long "Last Chance" workout on Saturday since the previous week had been grueling; however, I owned it. I felt great. I was tired and sweaty, but I worked hard right until the end. I feel my body adapting back into working out.

This was my third week of Whole30 and the ability to resist temptations is so easy when giving in is not an option. I am definitely and all-or-nothing kind of gal so I worry about my abilities to continue resisting temptations after the 30 days. I already have a weekend of binging planned when I'm done but I am seriously considering starting another 30 day track immediately thereafter. I don't feel mentally strong enough to resist fast food and treats yet.

I am frustrated with the meager weight loss this week because I feel confident that I did everything right. I ate well without overeating. I exercised 4 times this week. I'm not sure what I'm doing or not doing that is preventing more weight from coming off.

This week my focus will be on incorporating more vegetables into my diet and limiting the amount of fruit I'm eating. I also will focus on my water intake, making sure that I'm getting enough.

So instead of celebrating a big loss on the scale this week I'll celebrate the fact that my abs feel stronger and my pants are a bit looser. Small victories are victories nonetheless!

Attack!

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

- C.S. Lewis

I felt so discouraged after Saturday's workout. It felt hard. I wanted to give up. But, I couldn't. I can't quit. Not now. Not ever.

I've just finished my second work out of the week. I feel strong!

I was so ready for Monday's workout. I was mentally and physically prepared to tackle it. I attacked! I felt amazing! I felt strong! Today's workout was no different. It was much harder and I felt just as much zeal about it as I felt on Monday. Granted, I will be completely unable to move my arms for the next few days...

The difference this week  has been the pre-workout preparation. I have to know I can do it. I have to eliminate all possibilities of giving up. Mentally I have to be ready to attack. Physical preparation is proving to require more planning than I'd anticipated. I have to workout before dinner, otherwise, it will never get done, or it will get done poorly.

Tonight as I was working out I felt it. I envisioned it. This entire process is bringing me to the strong body I want and need. I felt what that feels like. I envisioned with that looks like. 

Bring it on.

Week 1 Roundup

Week 1 Weight loss - 3.5 lbs

It feels good to get moving again but, I will admit, it was more challenging than I expected it to be. I only got in three workouts this week (my goal was four) and the final workout on Saturday quite nearly killed me. Lesson learned: don't stuff yourself full of food then attempt to do an hour long workout. I'm realizing that being mentally prepared is just as important as being physically prepared for each workout.

The workouts, in and of themselves, are quite easy. I'm glad of that, as this is the first time in many years that I've consistently worked out. Remaking good habits is hard!

Whole30 this week was my biggest success. I managed to eat out three times this week and stay on plan! I usually avoid eating out because it is hard to find food that is paleo approved. Round 2 of this plan is much easier. I know what to expect, I already have recipes in my pocket to use, and I'm more prepared. Meal planning continues to be the key! It's all about the preparation.

I took my "before" picture. Bikini and all. It was terrifying and depressing and everything awful. However, I can't wait until the day that it is truly the "before" picture. Just seeing that image is keeping me motivated to continue. Daily, consistent changes are the only way to get me where I want to go.

Here's to Week 2!

It All Starts Here

The day will be what you make it,

so, rise like the sun and burn.

-William C. Hannan

I've just committed to an 8 week bootcamp. I've been researching crossfit gyms and bootcamp programs. I couldn't commit. Earlier this week as I was watching The Biggest Loser, I went on the website and saw a banner for their online bootcamp. This is what I had been looking for. 

I am not yet ready for the gym. I am not ready to go compare my body, my skill, my fitness level to everyone else there. I need something for me. I can do this program at home and on my schedule which was the most appealing part of it. I need to feel like I am in control of what I am doing instead of feeling forced to do compete with other gym members.

I'm excited. I'm ready. 

I've just started another round of Whole30. I'm currently on day 6 and so far, so good. I did my first Whole30 challenge in September/October and I was scared out of my mind. I didn't think it was possible to eat that way- no grains, no dairy, no legumes, no sugar. No sugar! What I found was that, for the first time in my life, I was in control of what I was eating. I had power over food instead of food having power over me. After I finished the challenge I had plans of continuing a paleo lifestyle but I let stress and busyness overrule planning and discipline. After the normal holiday binging I was ready to cleanse! In just a few days I have already dropped 7 lbs (most likely water weight). My energy is up. I'm eating delicious food. I really do love this program. The key to it all is to plan! I must be committed to making a weekly meal plan and making sure I do all my shopping on Saturday. That will be the key to my success this time around. Food will always be a battle for me but this program has helped me gain so much needed control.

Now, I'm ready for the next step. The workout. My body has felt weak for far too long. I want to feel strong.  I want to feel healthy. Bootcamp starts tomorrow and I'm excited! I've ordered some new workout clothes and I'm planning on turning my garage into a home gym. 

I've spent far too long feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I am tired of feeling self conscious. I am tired of struggling to find clothes that fit. I'm just tired of it all.

I want to be married. When people ask me why I'm not married I know they don't want to hear the real reason: I'm afraid. I do not truly believe a man will be attracted to me. I am terrified of having to show my body to someone. I have built walls around me to keep men out because I am afraid. I know I am smart and funny and have many qualities that would make me a great wife and mother. The one thing holding me back is my weight. As I sad in a singles ward in Huntington Beach last week I looked around and saw plenty of good-looking men. I realized that in order to attract a man I have to give myself a fighting chance. I have to be healthy enough to be attractive to others. Most importantly I have to feel beautiful and confident.

So here we go. It is time to rise like the sun and shine!