What Should Be Motivation

I only fit in one pair of my pants.
Yet, today I ate cookie dough and a half sleeve of Oreos.

Inhale the future. Exhale the past.

I question whether I dare to dream this new dream when I'm fresh off of failure. I don't know what the key to success is in this journey to health but I know I will never give up trying to find it. There are days I try to convince myself that I don't want the body I hope for but those days never linger long. I know what I want. I just haven't yet found the right vehicle to get there.

Well, maybe I have. I will go back to what speaks to my soul. I will set my intention and offer my sun salutation and listen to my heart. I will allow myself to grow slowly. I will seek not the outward change but the inward. I will dream whilst keeping rooted in reality. I will practice. I will become. I will dare to dream.

My commitment:

• For the remainder of 2015 I will return to my yoga practice. I will practice several times a week and seek strength, balance, and energy.

• The year 2016 will be 366 days of yoga. Every. Damn. Day.

• In July of 2017 I will become Yoga Alliance certified by completing a 200 hour yoga teacher training.

I have failed in the past to become who I want to be. But, my past does not define me. Why am I here on Earth if not to change, to overcome, to become better each day. I was once told that if my dreams don't scare me, they aren't big enough. Well, I'm scared. And I'm excited! And I want this! I have a long ways to go. I have work to do. I have two years to prepare to become ytt certified. Two years. Though I don't want to focus on the numbers I have a goal to be at 175lbs by then. That feels scary. Yes. My dreams are big enough. And I'm ready to exhale the past and inhale in the future.

Week 3 Roundup

Week 3 weight loss - 1.8 lbs

The newness has worn off. Like most New Year resolution makers, as we come to the end of January, I feel the drive to accomplish my goal waning. It is no longer new and exciting. Now is the test: Will I embrace new habits or fall into old ones? The battle is real.

I am nearing the end of Whole30. Just 5 days to go. At this point in the game most people say their craving for sugar is completely gone and they feel great, etc, etc. Well, I feel great. That is for sure. I feel healthy. I've eaten delicious food over the past 25 days. I truly love the program. But the only thing that has been on my mind for the past week is the sugar/junk food binge I'm planning for February 6th. All I can think about is where I want to eat and what I want to eat, food that has been restricted for the past 3 weeks. I know it is a bad plan (going on a junk food bender after a month long cleanse) but, I also know that I refuse to live a life in which I can't experience the joy of food. I love food! The plan: eat as much crap as I can on Friday and Saturday; Return to program Sunday. I won't jump into another Whole30 immediately but I will live a mostly-Paleo lifestyle with a free meal here and there. As I've said many times before, meal planning is the key.

The struggle this week came in the form of not wanting to and not making time to complete my workouts. I only got two in this week. I had the time. I just didn't have the commitment. The workouts have gotten stale as they are mostly repetitive since day 1. This week's workouts were definitely a challenge. The length has increased so planning more workout time into my schedule is necessary. Laziness was my only excuse this week.

Lately the call to return to running has been loud! Now that I am feeling a bit stronger and a bit more fit I feel a bit more ready to pound the pavement. I hate running but I love the runner's high that comes every time I finish a run. I need that feeling. I also love how my body responds to running. Several years ago when I was dedicated to the sport I slimmed down to 203lbs. I loved participating in races and being a part of the runner's culture. I miss that. My only concern with running is my knee. My old ACL is aggravated. I don't know if I've retorn it or what but it is causing me a lot of pain, strangely, only when I'm lying down in bed or sitting in the car. I'm wondering if it is inflammation. I will incorporate my old PT exercises into my workout to strengthen it and maybe take up running again at the beginning of March.

Overall, I am starting to feel the difference. I can't see it just yet but my core feels stronger. I feel my muscles there working and my waist slimming. My clothes fit better. I was able to comfortably wear a pair of pants to work on Friday that I haven't been able to wear in a few years. I have a pair of jeans in my closet that is my goal. I can't even get them up over my hips at the moment. Every week or so I try them on to see if there is a difference. I cannot wait for the day they slide on easily!

My other motivation at the moment is the impending 25 year reunion for the MVHS class of 1995. Holy. Cow. How did this happen? How did 25 years of my life flash by? All I know is I will be one of the few non-marrieds. It will be awkward and uncomfortable and I will probably hate being there for most of the time. But I will look good, dangit! I will work my butt off so I can walk in there
confidently!

Week 2 Roundup

Week 2 weight loss - 0.4 lbs

I felt so strong in my workouts this week.  I was nervous about my hour long "Last Chance" workout on Saturday since the previous week had been grueling; however, I owned it. I felt great. I was tired and sweaty, but I worked hard right until the end. I feel my body adapting back into working out.

This was my third week of Whole30 and the ability to resist temptations is so easy when giving in is not an option. I am definitely and all-or-nothing kind of gal so I worry about my abilities to continue resisting temptations after the 30 days. I already have a weekend of binging planned when I'm done but I am seriously considering starting another 30 day track immediately thereafter. I don't feel mentally strong enough to resist fast food and treats yet.

I am frustrated with the meager weight loss this week because I feel confident that I did everything right. I ate well without overeating. I exercised 4 times this week. I'm not sure what I'm doing or not doing that is preventing more weight from coming off.

This week my focus will be on incorporating more vegetables into my diet and limiting the amount of fruit I'm eating. I also will focus on my water intake, making sure that I'm getting enough.

So instead of celebrating a big loss on the scale this week I'll celebrate the fact that my abs feel stronger and my pants are a bit looser. Small victories are victories nonetheless!

Attack!

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.

- C.S. Lewis

I felt so discouraged after Saturday's workout. It felt hard. I wanted to give up. But, I couldn't. I can't quit. Not now. Not ever.

I've just finished my second work out of the week. I feel strong!

I was so ready for Monday's workout. I was mentally and physically prepared to tackle it. I attacked! I felt amazing! I felt strong! Today's workout was no different. It was much harder and I felt just as much zeal about it as I felt on Monday. Granted, I will be completely unable to move my arms for the next few days...

The difference this week  has been the pre-workout preparation. I have to know I can do it. I have to eliminate all possibilities of giving up. Mentally I have to be ready to attack. Physical preparation is proving to require more planning than I'd anticipated. I have to workout before dinner, otherwise, it will never get done, or it will get done poorly.

Tonight as I was working out I felt it. I envisioned it. This entire process is bringing me to the strong body I want and need. I felt what that feels like. I envisioned with that looks like. 

Bring it on.

Week 1 Roundup

Week 1 Weight loss - 3.5 lbs

It feels good to get moving again but, I will admit, it was more challenging than I expected it to be. I only got in three workouts this week (my goal was four) and the final workout on Saturday quite nearly killed me. Lesson learned: don't stuff yourself full of food then attempt to do an hour long workout. I'm realizing that being mentally prepared is just as important as being physically prepared for each workout.

The workouts, in and of themselves, are quite easy. I'm glad of that, as this is the first time in many years that I've consistently worked out. Remaking good habits is hard!

Whole30 this week was my biggest success. I managed to eat out three times this week and stay on plan! I usually avoid eating out because it is hard to find food that is paleo approved. Round 2 of this plan is much easier. I know what to expect, I already have recipes in my pocket to use, and I'm more prepared. Meal planning continues to be the key! It's all about the preparation.

I took my "before" picture. Bikini and all. It was terrifying and depressing and everything awful. However, I can't wait until the day that it is truly the "before" picture. Just seeing that image is keeping me motivated to continue. Daily, consistent changes are the only way to get me where I want to go.

Here's to Week 2!

It All Starts Here

The day will be what you make it,

so, rise like the sun and burn.

-William C. Hannan

I've just committed to an 8 week bootcamp. I've been researching crossfit gyms and bootcamp programs. I couldn't commit. Earlier this week as I was watching The Biggest Loser, I went on the website and saw a banner for their online bootcamp. This is what I had been looking for. 

I am not yet ready for the gym. I am not ready to go compare my body, my skill, my fitness level to everyone else there. I need something for me. I can do this program at home and on my schedule which was the most appealing part of it. I need to feel like I am in control of what I am doing instead of feeling forced to do compete with other gym members.

I'm excited. I'm ready. 

I've just started another round of Whole30. I'm currently on day 6 and so far, so good. I did my first Whole30 challenge in September/October and I was scared out of my mind. I didn't think it was possible to eat that way- no grains, no dairy, no legumes, no sugar. No sugar! What I found was that, for the first time in my life, I was in control of what I was eating. I had power over food instead of food having power over me. After I finished the challenge I had plans of continuing a paleo lifestyle but I let stress and busyness overrule planning and discipline. After the normal holiday binging I was ready to cleanse! In just a few days I have already dropped 7 lbs (most likely water weight). My energy is up. I'm eating delicious food. I really do love this program. The key to it all is to plan! I must be committed to making a weekly meal plan and making sure I do all my shopping on Saturday. That will be the key to my success this time around. Food will always be a battle for me but this program has helped me gain so much needed control.

Now, I'm ready for the next step. The workout. My body has felt weak for far too long. I want to feel strong.  I want to feel healthy. Bootcamp starts tomorrow and I'm excited! I've ordered some new workout clothes and I'm planning on turning my garage into a home gym. 

I've spent far too long feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I am tired of feeling self conscious. I am tired of struggling to find clothes that fit. I'm just tired of it all.

I want to be married. When people ask me why I'm not married I know they don't want to hear the real reason: I'm afraid. I do not truly believe a man will be attracted to me. I am terrified of having to show my body to someone. I have built walls around me to keep men out because I am afraid. I know I am smart and funny and have many qualities that would make me a great wife and mother. The one thing holding me back is my weight. As I sad in a singles ward in Huntington Beach last week I looked around and saw plenty of good-looking men. I realized that in order to attract a man I have to give myself a fighting chance. I have to be healthy enough to be attractive to others. Most importantly I have to feel beautiful and confident.

So here we go. It is time to rise like the sun and shine!